A Journey Back To My Wings

It happens every year, and I'm sure I'm not the only one. I always wake up optimistic on my birthday, knowing full well I'm not going to feel any differently, but for some reason I still always hope for it. It even carries over to the day after as well. Usually, I don't think much about it, but today i was feeling rather sad about it. Almost miserable even. I was especially perturbed about having to run home from the bus stop in a down pour while carrying a lot of things. I got off the bus, took off my shoes, and made a run for it.

I think i made it two strides and a puddle before i started smiling uncontrollably. As I ran through the rain in my plaid shirt and denim shorts I felt the happiest I think I had in years. It was a different kind of happy at least. It was like the rain was washing away all of the dark and sad of the past 8 years or so of my life. Like a shower after caving, i could almost see all the muck rolling off of me. Recently I've started realizing that I've been in a kind of sleep for a while. As if I just tried to numb myself from everything and hibernate until it was all over. Running through the rain brought me back to my summers in Tennessee when I would dance in the rain outside my Grandmother's house. The same way a quick whiff of a familiar scent can stir up so many dormant memories and emotions in a person, this shower was my awakening to my old self and to simple happiness.

I continued to walk home smiling and even laughing some as I thought about those memories. In stead of making me sad like they used to, thinking of those day made me even happier. Which is the different kind of happiness I felt. For the first time, maybe ever, I was optimistic that i could be that girl again. The girl who danced in the rain because it made her feel good. I wasn't sad about those days being gone, but excited to make them happen again. I started thinking of ideas about that and decided to run with them. Literally.

Running isn't something i do very often. In fact, i avoid it at all costs. The culmination of bad knees and scoliosis make running a less than desirable activity. Despite these things, i've always loved running and, pain or not, I was going to run in the rain and it was going to be amazing. Since I smoke more than I run, my endurance isn't really what it should be. Today, I ran about what I could normally handle and about 2 blocks more. I had made a goal and I wasn't quitting until I made it. As I ran and walked i thought about all the things in my life that i didn't like, the places on my path where I'd strayed, and kept making goals. I ran until my muscles were burning and stinging. I ran until I got that rush.

As I made my way back home I kept smiling, despite the stinging in my legs every time I took a step. This is a new chapter in my life. I can't keep living the way I am. I have so much in me that I want to say, and so much to give, I'm not doing anyone any good the way I was. I don't know exactly what happened or why, but I feel like I put pieces of myself away in boxes somewhere. It's time to take them off the shelf and do things differently.

So in the end, after my birthday I do feel different. Part of it was the rain the woke me up and brought me back. And part of it was my choice to be different. Do I have everything in my life figured out now? Of course not. There's still so much i have to figure out, but at least I've got a running start on it. And whenever I'm covered in the grit of the world; I'll just dance in the rain.